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Few days back, few days later

Read the View by Arshiya Anis Khilji

5 days back, waking up in the morning, I felt like an old lady whose skin was shriveling and her heart felt like it was made of rocks.

I've lost so much of myself. Words, feelings, connections (probably), thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world that is around me.

I don't want to talk about my feelings because I don't feel anything anymore.

But I do feel like I was burnt and now just a barren land remains. A wasteland of sorts. I can barely get myself to talk in metaphors anymore because my brain feels so traumatized all the time.

I've recently read so much about how to treat different ailments of the mind, I've learnt too much about the things that I'm going through.

While my head has stopped feeling, numbed itself, the pain knocks at different parts of my body, sometimes in the form of tingles or it appears as physical pain. It's hard to feel like I'm in my shoes a lot of the time. I don't feel like the main character of my life anymore.

I read somewhere that real living is mostly like a sitcom and not a movie that is made up of just the high moments of an Individual's life. And I think that resonates more with me now as I'm trying to show up each day and take responsibility for myself.

But it's not as easy as it sounds, especially when you've been habituated to feeling special by the people around you. And now, I'm just trying to love myself better.

It's hard talking about the tougher parts. The parts where you seem to be losing touch with yourself and your surroundings because you distrust the world. You distrust everyone, even your parents. Because they've failed to reach out to you in a manner that comforts you. And then, how are you supposed to climb this mountain all by yourself? It's a tough journey, you've lost a lot of love and the idea of it.

That seems like a drag now, your family structure isn't updating itself according to your needs. Your friends are too far away except for a few who are here, who you find in your toughest moments and it helps, just feeling their presence, and the silent assurance that they understand, they understand what's been happening, life savers, the truest blessing.

Let's talk about dreams now.

It feels like the dreams I have in my sleep are more realistic than the ones that I dream with my eyes open.

How high have they been soaring?

And it's hard to carry on. It feels hard.

It feels like no one loves you anymore. And it feels so lonely. How will I carry on? I can't even cry anymore. What is life if you cannot cry or laugh your heart out. My head keeps hurting. It's the stress. I cannot even chill, forget about loving.

Being around family can do two things, they give you a sense of belongingness and an identity. but the other thing they do is - they bore you to death. Lol, some do.

Earlier I used to love older people and kids because they used to make me feel warm and at home because I've always been so compliant. But now I find them annoying. They're so judgmental and it's so hard to be patient with them.

On another note, I do feel different. I don't know how exactly, except for the fact that I don't feel like the pious Angel I used to feel like earlier. Now I feel like a walking dead who's pretending to be a real human. I hate everything. Except my love for knowledge.

My brain's cognitive functions have declined very much so I cannot even do that properly.

Few days later

I cannot begin a sentence today without connecting it back to the line I was stitching across the blankets of my mind yesterday. I keep a finger on the cursor and try to refocus back into the dimensions of my current reality. I note down every little prayer that comes to my mind on my phone. It astonishes me when I hear my own voice. It feels strange but renewed, it's like I'm getting reacquainted with it. I am meeting everything with clearer eyes. One thing that I've always neglected is routine. And after following a routine for the past month I feel good but extremely stressed. It feels like I am existing in a realm that is very different altogether because more than anything I yearn for connection. I yearn to feel seen.

Companionship and a good sense of self is my core need at the moment. And in retrospect, I have struggled with both these things in the past. And the thing being unattached is that I am unwilling to compromise on anything so much so that I lose the interest in making a choice because I set such unrealistic standards for myself. I become an architect and try to make the most beautiful thing out of the most basic things. But all I truly want is the space to thrive, and a purpose that drives.

All this thought process succumbs me back into "becoming" and I lose out on "being".

And I crave human touch, so much to the extent that when I feel the touch of my sister when we sleep at night, I feel like I am. It's hard at some moments but ahhhhhhh, my heart is numb and my brain is burnt out. And I don't want to go back to where I was.

‘Surrender to be or succumb to become

Search your heart and see, the way to do it is to be’

Hi, when I read Arshiya's writing, I felt seen.

Leave a comment below if you did too. Share your favorite line from this piece?

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